Delay, Block, More Delay, Tired, COVID, Delay, Block Etc...

It was March 20th of this year 2021 that I stopped.  I was working on a post when my brain just shut down.  It lacked the sense to move on from what I was writing.  It went blank on the creativity scale.  I wanted to write more on the topic I was talking about but I felt a roadblock.  I tried to go around, there was no way to do so.  I was trying to find a way under and over and it was no use.  I came up with sentences and they were meaningless and boring.  I even lacked the feeling of writing with meaning.  I also fell in to a hole of self doubt.  Am I writing this for me or am I writing this for the small number of my friends who love reading this.  Even worse am I writing this just to write.  

Writing can be therapy, but this in March 0f 2021 was not, there was a world of uncertainty out there and I put me in front of this above all other things. It did not seem right, it still doesn't.  When I wrote some stuff on paper I questioned why the hell am I writing this. It was difficult to feel happy when writing something I had a passion about or so I thought I had.  Maybe I lost the passion with COVID all around us I was more concerned about health and making sure the students I teach don't get SICK.  After getting my shots I still felt that this writing thing had lost its worth.  

Passion is something I know little of.  I don't want to sound like I need sympathy, but I have lost a lot of passion for a a lot of things.  My personal relationships seem to burst into flames when I try too hard or care too much.  I still feel this way personally.  I need to figure that shit out before I get old and grey.  I want to please, I want to see someone who has not really smiled in a while, smile.  My joy is unimportant. When it comes to music, film, art, beer I know above average of each of these subjects.  

It was in May that this passion was gone for a good while, with a death of a friends son, it was going to go downhill quick, a month later it was my adoptive grandmother and a month after that my close musical friend who if it was not for him I would still spinning my wheels on shitty music.  These three made me lose any kind of smile, love, care and even question of what is life itself.  I asked for help and people I talked with did not help, they told on me to others and asked me to keep quiet.  "We don't have feelings here so, move on and ssssh."

When I started this blog it was because I needed an outlet, for ideas to channel into a spot where at some point I could maybe write a book or put them in a essay collection.  It was also around this time I met some new friends, these friends helped me through some of this and stood by me if I needed anything.  I was maybe seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  It was my trip to Seattle that might have sparked some ideas.  Talking to a few record store employees gave me the motivation to write.  I still had a block.  As I took the plane home I thought of ideas on what to write, but did not know the direction.   

On this day after Thanksgiving I decided to write something.  That something is what you see above.  I'am trying to figure out ideas on what to post.  I shall resume writing in the next week or so and from that point on these posts will be once or twice a week, maybe more if my creative spirit gets me to do so.  As for now, this is just an open letter to whomever is reading this, that I been on an uphill climb since may and I might be finally seeing the part where it all goes downhill and resumes to a steady flat plain.  Let's see where this takes you the reader and me the writer of all things music.  Thanks for your time and maybe the albums I post will give you ideas what to get yourself for the holidays.  I will be back with my first post by Monday I hope, (cross the fingers).